The members of Accidental Pollinator, as we all know, are Alex Electric, Boss and Cindy Parker. It’s difficult to describe them…they seem to be above words in many ways. In fact, most of their fans are drawn to their blaring synthpop music because it seems to transcend the power of normal communications.
However, to give you a better idea of our tête-à-tête, we’ll let you know a little of what the members of Accidental Pollinator look like. First you have Alex Electric. Some have described him as a huge cloud with lightening bolts flashing wildly out of it. Others say he’s more like an unholy union of metal, light bulbs, and wildly lashing electrical cords. When we spoke to him, he appeared to be a rather unremarkable young man, with died black hair and an all black outfit. Boss has never been particularly well described by fans. They seem to get confused and talk a lot about giant knives playing the instruments, or simply of a space that flickers in and out of reality. At this time though, he was just another young man, with long blonde hair, who didn’t seem to want to be there. Cindy Parker on the other hand, has never been described as anything but babetastic, though some argue that the proper term is babelicious. We simply saw her as a young woman who had vaguely pink hair and was casually smoking a cigarette.
[Blank]: To start things off, can you swim?
Alex, Boss, and Cindy Parker: (After a moment of uncertainty) Yes, yes we can.
[Blank]: Well that’s good. We wouldn’t you drowning in the future. But let’s talk politics. With all the horrible things happening in today’s political world, lots of your fans think you could run the government better. Would you ever want to be on the Supreme Court?
C: I wouldn’t turn down the position.
B: Only if all my friends were on the court as well.
A: No. (Cindy and Boss give Alex an incredulous look)
[Blank]: Right. Would you support Cthulhu if he ran for President?
B & A: (Nodding) Yes. (Cindy breaks down and starts chanting in some strange language. It takes Boss and Alex several minutes to calm her down.)
[Blank]: Is Cindy alright?
A: Yes…she’s just…fine.
[Blank]: Are you sure?
B: Yes! God damn, just get on with the interview.
[Blank]: Okay, then. If we can’t trust the people in our government, shouldn’t we replace them?
B: Nah…let them have something to do.
A: The better question is: What would we replace them with? (Cindy nods in agreement)
[Blank]: The mußßing industry recently became very popular across the world, however some question the ethical and social acts involved in mußßing. Some have even gone as far as to say that the mußßing industry “goes against God.” Does Accidental Pollinator condone the actions of the mußßing industry?
A: (After a shared look, Alex pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, and reads what it says mechanically) Accidental Pollinator will neither condone nor condemn the actions of the mußßing industry based on ethical or social reasons. Accidental Pollinator will say that the issue is worth talking about, and that we must rely on those in the highest echelon of governing to lead us well in this area.
C: I for one would like to say, that personally, I think mußßing is an effective use of available resources.
C: What? I do! And aren’t we supposed to be supporting (Cindy air-quotes) “talking about the issue”?
A: Only in the government!
B: I agree with Cindy. Muß babies and be done with it.
A: (exasperatedly) Don’t you guys remember what the lawyers said?
C & B: No. (Alex sighs)
[Blank]: You’ve been talking to a lawyer?
A: (looking guilty) Well…yeah. A little. Just for some advice, mostly.
A: Well…there’s this thing about a certain ghetto white girl, but we’re not really supposed to talk about it before our court date.
[Blank]: Oh. Well, good luck with all that. Did you lawyer ask you not to talk about anything else?
A: We really can’t say…
[Blank]: Fine. Be that way. Moving on, the up-start, fanatical group FAD, is drawing a lot of media attention recently. How does Accidental Pollinator feel about this?
C: We all actually support FAD.
A: Technically I’m a member. (Everyone stares at him) Well…it’s a long story. And I’m not actually gay.
[Blank]: Sure. We believe you. And on that note, let’s delve a little more deeply into your personal lives. After all, you must have one. So, which would you rather have: Romance or Passion?
A: Both. Why do I need to choose?
[Blank]: That’s actually a really good question. Don’t settle kids! Hold out for everything. So who’s your everything, your favorite sexual partner?
C: He knows who he is.
B: The Boss. Sort of.
[Blank]: Sort of? Care to explain that?
[Blank]: Fair enough. Who is your celebrity crush?
B: Liz Enthusiasm, she’s a rokk star.
C: Alex(x) Reed, Kasson Crooker, and James Spader.
A: (hesitantly) Michael Douglas.
[Blank]: Right. You’re not gay at all.
A: I’m really not! I know you won’t believe that, but it’s true. Michael Douglas just has a power over me. I don’t think I could say no to him. It’s not gay at all.
[Blank]: (sarcastically) Not gay at all. (after a moment of silence) So anyway, what is your fashion statement?
A: Gloom. Black is the color of the day.
C: No statement. I just wear whatever is lying around…and I’m careful about what exactly is lying around.
B: No matter how bad I look, I’ll always look better than everyone else at Tech.
[Blank]: Speaking of, what do you think about Virginia Tech?
C: If Hell were a place it would be exactly like…hell, Virginia Tech is that place! (Alex and Boss nod in agreement)
[Blank]: Surely there’s some redeemable aspect.
C: The buildings are alright…as long as they’re empty.
A: Yeah. The architecture is pretty nice. And it’s alright academically.
B: I guess Alex and Jenny and a few of the teachers are alright…
[Blank]: Do you have any super-powers?
B: I’m a man.
C: I have a cell phone.
[Blank]: Those aren’t really super…
A: My super-power is super-subtlety. They’re so subtle you have no idea what they are.
[Blank]: We do now.
A: Damn it! I’ve got to stop giving them away!
[Blank]: Is there any amount of money for which you would unconditionally sell your body?
B: Depends on what they want and who they are.
A: I’d say around $500,000.
C: Are you kidding?
A: Not really…I mean, I would go less depending on what was asked of me.
C: The question was about unconditionally selling your body. The person you sell it to could want to tie to upside down to the ceiling and drip hot wax all over you while luring a snake up your ass with milk!
A & B: Ugh!
C: And you’ve got college payments, a villa in France, several very nice cars, and possibly your own airplane. Not to mention you’re in a music group that is more likely to cost you money than to put money in your pocket! At the very least you should be asking for several hundred million, if not more!
A: On second thought, I probably wouldn’t sell my body unconditionally. Snakes… (shivers)
[Blank]: Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan?
C: Lindsay Lohan. She’s got better breasts.
A: Hilary Duff. They’re both human voids, but at least she’s not a total whore.
B: Cadet Kelly!
[Blank]: What do you think about children?
A: Children are meant to be taken care of with love and respect.
B: They’re a financial burden, nothing but trouble, stressful, and a status symbol.
C: That is to say, they’re parasitic and should be stopped as soon as possible.
[Blank]: Stopped? How do you stop children?
B: (enthusiastically) Muß them at an early age! (Cindy nods in agreement)
A: Guys! Really, the lawyer is never going to let us forget this!
[Blank]: There’s nothing wrong with mistakes.
C: Yeah! And we’ll just blame you anyway, Alex. (Alex sighs dejectedly)
[Blank]: So let me ask a few questions about the band then. How much ransom would you pay for a member of Accidental Pollinator?
B: Depends on which member it is. (Everyone looks surreptitiously at Alex)
[Blank]: What about your instruments? How much would you pay for one of them?
C: Anything! Why are you asking anyway?
[Blank]: We’ll ask the questions here! What is it about synthpop?
A: Synthpop can be good old-fashioned fun, but at times even a little sexy.
C: It’s like techno, but with good music and real lyrics.
[Blank]: Karl Marx once said that “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” What is Accidental Pollinator the opiate for?
A, B & C: (in eerie synchronicity) The masses.
[Blank]: We have your naked pictures. Why did you take them?
B: How did you get those?
C: You know, we didn’t take them. He did.
A: Besides, we were young. And we needed the money.
[Blank]: Don’t worry. We won’t judge you. But we do have a few more personal questions. Do you think that science should be taught to the masses, or should it be hoarded by academia?
A: Well…science should be offered to the masses, but a lot of people are still too stupid to get it.
B: No way. Academia should use science to rule the world.
C: It would be easier than dumbing it down for all the stupid people out there.
[Blank]: Which actor would you like to kick in the crotch?
A: Tom Cruise.
C: The Olsen twins.
B: Oh God, there are so many!
[Blank]: Which one needs it most?
B: Probably Colin Farrell. I saw a clip of Phone Booth today.
[Blank]: Have you ever been accused of being venal?
C: I’ve been insulted for not being so.
A: What does venal mean?
[Blank]: Venal: adjective : capable of being bought or obtained for money or other valuable consideration: purchasable; especially : open to corrupt influence and especially bribery; mercenary.
A: Oh, then no.
[Blank]: What’s wrong with America?
B: Lots of things. Too many to list.
A: What isn’t wrong with America?
[Blank]: Is Rebecca crazy, or is it just the woman in her trying to escape?
B: I can’t even tell anymore, not that is matters either way.
A: The woman escaped years ago. What we’re seeing now is separation anxiety.
C: Speaking of…we should probably find her.
C: Yeah. The escaped woman.
At this point, Accidental Pollinator faded out of sight. They didn’t move. It was like they’d simply been erased in front of us. We gathered our notes and returned to our offices.
Once there we cut anything of real value out, because we at [Blank] Magazine don’t believe in giving you useful information. Otherwise you might decide to have some opinions. And then we’d be out of a job, because it’s our job to give you opinions. So here’s your opinion for the day: Accidental Pollinator is sure to strike it big in the near future. Therefore you should buy anything that they put up for sale. ANYTHING!
Copyright, 2005, [Blank] Magazine